Fuck you. I mean, seriously, fuck you, you fucking drooling clod. “This is a weird train,” you said to your friend. “Everyone’s reading.” OH HOW WEIRD THAT PEOPLE SHOULD BE READING ON A TRAIN. How INTERESTING, how BIZARRE. “This is a weird train,” you said, even though you had MULTIPLE VISIBLE CALF TATTOOS, which someone might think is weird, but certainly not weird enough to take a photo of and put on the internet. Why? Because taking a photo of a stranger without them knowing is as rude as HOT ACRID FUCK.
Oh, believe me, I “get” why it would be “funny” to “take a photo” of all the people READING ON THE L TRAIN. LOL SERIOUSLY. I mean, that is just…when you think about it…the jokes are…a priest walks into…I’m just SAYING, if I look up and see you taking a photo of me with a goddamn WOODGRAIN IPHONE CASE, like a fucking SERIAL KILLER WOULD HAVE, like fucking AILEEN WUORNOS would purchase if she had lived long enough, I will put my fucking Monster Book Of Zombies away, and I will lean in so you cannot get a clear shot of the other people reading on the L train (I checked and we were reading Richard Pryor’s Pryor Convictions, Game Of Thrones and The Village Voice. DEAR HOT HOLY GOD, THE LAME JOKES YOU COULD HAVE MADE), thus ruining your fucking DUM-DUM PHOTO FOR IDIOTS of all these HILARIOUS HIPSTERS/WHATEVER reading ON THE GOODDAMN L TRAIN. And when I hear your UTTERLY FOOLISH SIGH OF FRUSTRATION because I am no longer reading on the train for your fucking enjoyment, you stupid piece of shit, I will silently laugh to myself, because I have taken some small thing from you, and it could not give me more pleasure.
"But Halle, I’ve taken photos of strangers without their knowledge and put them on Instagram/Twitter/Tumblr," you might be saying as you read this. "They were doing something hilarious/photogenic!" To which I say, maybe it’s time that you look up the closest gun store at which you could purchase a gun to put in your sad, sobbing mouth, because you are a gross fucking monster. I don’t care if you are creepshots or some unfunny lame dufus with the best intentions, you have just outed yourself as a total asshat, a pathetic wiener who exists outside actual reality collating and commenting on it like a dick ghost. "Look at all these people reading," you might as well be screaming to a cold, grey, indifferent sky. "Look at my witty observations about them." How dare you try to fit me into your fucking idiot narrative for cretins, you heinous fucking fool, with your MULTIPLE VISIBLE CALF TATTOOS. You don’t fucking know me. I’m not moving about the world for you to try to sum up with some fucking pithy quip. I am a living breathing human. I’M NOT PART OF SOME FUCKING GARBAGE POST ON BUZZFEED, YOU FOUL DRIP. I hope you went home and took a photo of yourself staring into the bathroom mirror contemplating why your life is completely devoid of meaning, devoid of anything, you stupid, monstrous, gross asshole. You are the worst. You are a jerk-off sadsack mutant. You definitely overpaid for those calf tattoos AND WE BOTH KNOW IT.